Deep in Thought

I know, second post of the night.  Maye it'll make up for all of the days I don't post.

I've just been deep in thought.  I've visited my teenage life twice in one day.  It's a difficult feat.

Anyways, my brother tried to commit suicide the other day.  He took 90 pills of neurontin.  Long story short, my mom was in the ER over night with my brother.  And the social worker said that this probably wasn't going to be the last attempt.  And my mom asked me what made me stop cutting.  It was hard to talk about it.  It was hard to think about.  That's a part of my life I don't care to see again.

It was love that stopped me.  My love for Jared.  His love for me.  The love from my family.  The belief that there was more love in this world than hate.

And really, I don't know how to help my brother.  There's really nothing anyone can do.  It's his decision on whether or not love exists and that there are people worth living for.

I try to act like it doesn't affect me.  Jared's pretty much only known my brother as a screw up since he never knew him before he got into drugs.  But I'm affected.  I'm worried about my brother.

I love him.  And as much as I think that with the way he's going in life, he's better off in prison or dead, I regret it. That kind of thinking would require giving up hope.  Hope that I still hang on to.

I want my brother to survive.  To overcome his struggles.  To realize he can be successful.  Most of all, I want my brother to see and feel love.

It's hard to describe something that isn't ever seen but is rather felt.  Who knows, people could be feeling something different than what I feel is love.  I just want my brother to see it.

I can't lose hope.  My brother.  Matthew.  I'm praying and constantly thinking about you.  I love you.