Back to the Drawing Board

When a door closes, a window opens.  The only problem is I have a few windows open, and the door never really closed.  Granted, there are screens in the windows that I need to punch out.  Difficult life-changing decisions.  Ugh...

I talked to my boss today.  And he truly is a nice guy.  Sure, we had a rough start in the beginning.  But what can you expect from a crazy, headstrong college student?  I'm just glad he puts up with me and is willing to help me with the research.  But anyways, come to find out, I will have funding for my Master's Degree if I so choose to continue with my Master's Degree.  So, that option is still open to me.

I feel a little bit better about it all now.  I thought I didn't have funding and that I was just a poor excuse of a bio-engineer.  Well, I'm happy to say that my department doesn't think that way about me.  And I guess I shouldn't think that way about myself either.

Anyways, now I don't know what to do.  The idea of not being dirt-broke is so appealing.  And I know I could go back and get my Master's Degree whenever I want and have the company pay for it.  I don't know what to do.  The idea of finally owning a house is very appealing to me.

I guess I could hope to get the best of both worlds.  One of the jobs I'm applying for is in Logan.  If I got that job, I could still continue with my Master's Degree at Utah State.  Granted, I'd be super-super busy and slower at getting my degree.  But I wouldn't be poor.  I'd be able to go to fancy restaurants with my husband, and we'd be able to have mini-vacations.

Cross your fingers for me.  Or pray.  Or think happy thoughts for me.  I know I'll be praying, crossing my fingers, and definitely thinking happy thoughts as I go through these interviews.  I know I'm an amazing person and worker.  The only problem is I also know my shortfalls and tend to think a little too heavily on those.

Finished

I graduated over the weekend.  The best part about it was I got to lead the Senior Engineers line at the ceremony.  All thanks to the Biological Engineering Department being alphabetically first and me volunteering to lead the line.  It was awesome.  And I wore bright pink heels.  I figured since only 10% of the graduating class could pull this off without cross-dressing, I was going to do it.  And I definitely stood out.  It was fun.  I'll have pictures later.

And now I've moved onto finding a job.  I'm still working at the University, but I don't know how long that's going to last once I let them know that I have no way of financing my master's degree and will therefore not be pursuing it.  I'm also going to apply at some of the retail stores here to supplement my income while looking for that engineering job.

I do have a phone interview sometime this week.  I've filled out two online assessment interview things last week.  And I should be hearing back about one of the jobs this week.  So, here's hoping something works out...

I've been looking over the numbers of how much it really cost to get a college education.  I know I have pulled out some student loans as well as received scholarships.  So, I wanted to list my scholarships to remind myself one day just how much was given to me (so that I may one day give back).

Presidential Scholarship, GPA>3.5 (2006-2010) - $13200

Engineering State Scholarship, attended camp (2006-2007) - $300

Engineering Scholarship (2007) - $400

Don & Melba Corbett Scholarship, female engineer (2008) - $100

Bertis & Anna Embry Scholarship, biological engineer (2008-2009) - $2750

Biological & Irrigation Engineering Scholarship (2009) - $500

Pell Grant, poor person (2009-2010) - $1000

Smart Grant, poor engineer (2009-2010) - $4000

Utah Engineer (2010) - $1000

That comes to a grand total of $18250 in scholarships that Utah State University has given me.  They really did take care of me throughout my college career.  And then, when the state finally recognized me as being poor and not attached to my parents (sorry Utah, my parents did not take care of my college funds like you said they would and should), I got $5000 in grants.  So, the money that was given to me to help me through my college career totals to $23250.  And let me tell you, that definitely was not enough money to fund my college career; it barely paid for tuition, student fees, and books (maybe one or two month's rent extra).  I would guesstimate that a college education at Utah State costs somewhere around $45000 unless you want to be homeless and starving while in school.

One day when I've made my millions of dollars, I will give back.  I aspire to become a philanthropist.  And I really hope that I don't let my not-a-super-rich salary stop me from achieving that.  Opportunities were given to me because I worked hard at being a good student, and I hope that same opportunity will be available to the next generation of students like me.

Lovely

We set up our bioreactor yesterday.  We went to inoculate it today.  We started the run and inoculated the reactor.  That was when we realized we forgot to turn the temperature bath on and hook the condenser up to running water.  While attempting to hook up tubes to the water supply and condenser, I noticed the pH wasn't going up to where it was supposed to be.  That's when I noticed that the tube connecting the base to the reactor had a few holes.  That's when I made the connection that base must have gotten onto my gloves and then onto my arm.  No wonder my arm was going red and burning.  So, we had to change the tube with one that didn't have holes.  While trying to pull the tube out, it split open and splashed my face.

So, now it looks like I have half of a black eye, only it's pink instead of black.  My skin is a little swollen.  And it looked like the burns on arm were going to blister.  But they didn't.  I just hope the skin below my eye decides to reduce in swelling sometime soon and not blister...

Failure

I think I am coming to the conclusion that I have just been too busy this year.  And there are quite a few things I forget about or toss aside in order to keep my mental health in order.  And I think it's getting to me, and I'm to the point of admitting it.  I can't lead it all anymore.  I don't even know if I can be a leader in most of the things I'm involved in anyways.

Even though I don't want to admit it and I know my group members contribute different strengths, I have come to the conclusion that I am leading my senior project along.  And if it's not the whole project, then I'm at least leading the lab portion of it.  And it is stressful.  I wish I could just sit back and let some one else take charge.  If only I could just contribute when absolutely necessary instead of being there 24/7 to pick up the slack when no else cannot or will not.  I think I'm just sick of it all.  It's all too stressful.

Dreams are supposed to be my gateway out of my miserable, busy school/work life.  But instead, I'm dreaming about work and the project.  How are we going to take the reactor down?  Will we ever not get contamination in one of our runs?  Is it going to explode anytime soon?  Are we even going to get good results with all of this?  Am I going to look like a fool at the final presentation?

And the fact that I can't go on vacation without freaking out and getting stressed over it all.  It's spring break, and I still have to work.  Work does not believe in days off.  And since my senior project has been on the waiting list, it is being worked on over spring break.  And Jared has told me I am going to Salt Lake with him at the end of the week to get away from it all.  So, I have to push it all to the beginning of the week.

I just want to sit on the sidelines from now on.  I don't want anymore of my responsibilities.  I don't want to be willing to be there to do all of it when others won't.  Just stop.  I can't do it all.  And that's my conclusion.  I really want to throw out some major things in my life out of my life.  I'm done.  White flag.

I hate research.

San Jose

I'm going to San Jose, California tomorrow.  Exciting.  There's a bowling tournament.  And even though I am absolutely horrible at bowling, I am going.  I got a new ball also.  It's heavier than my other one, and I haven't quite figured out how to perfect it.

So, I had a test this morning in my general chemistry 2 class.  The class is taught at 8:30 am; so I rarely go to class just because I enjoy my sleep.  Anyways, I spent probably four hours last night (10 pm - 2 am) cramming four weeks worth of stuff into my head.  And let me tell you, it works for me.  Although I'm pretty sure my prior knowledge in physical chemistry, biochemistry, and organic chemistry helps.  I missed two questions on the test. 23 out of 25.  Exciting.  I just might be able to pull an A out of this class without ever really attending it.  Sweet.

And then one of our friends came to our house to look at the dryer.  He fixed it.  I'm so happy.  There were quite a few things wrong with it:  a spring was loose, the drum was off-centered, and there was six inches of lint inside.  The lint had some nice scorch marks; I'm assuming that was the culprit of the burning smell.  But our dryer works now.  Yay!

And then I had to drive down to Salt Lake to drop off the Gizmo.  He wasn't too happy about it.  Whenever we go down, he tends to stay at my mom's while me and Jared go to other places.  So, he probably had a feeling that I was going to leave him.  Oh well.  He'll survive.  But I miss him now.

I also filed my taxes while in Salt Lake.  A very pleasant surprise occurred.  We are getting a big tax return back because of our student status.  Apparently, the American Opportunity Credit will give you money back just for paying tuition.  It was an awesome surprise.  And it's helping to alleviate some of my financial worries.

So...  Today was a good day.  A very good day.  I should probably go to bed now...

Fall Grades

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention my grades...  They were all A's except for one class.  I got a 3.75 this semester.  That means I did extremely well.  That made me very happy.  I don't think I've had that high of a gpa in a year and a half.  So, yay for me!

School's Out!

So, the semester has ended..  ..FINALLY!  I don't know how well I did in my biochemical engineering class.  At this point, I just hope I passed.  My physical chemistry grade was a very pleasant surprise.  I was happy after seeing that grade.  Now, the other two (modeling and senior design) should be A's or else...  At least I hope so. I'm just happy to be done with school this year.

Now all I need is for work to end.  Unfortunately, research never ends.  And I think I just happened to be stuck with the professor who doesn't believe in students having a life outside of the lab.  His phd students are required to work every single day from nine in the morning to ten at night.  However, they do get half a day off on saturdays.  I can't even imagine working every single day of my life for five years straight.  Hence, I'll never be getting my phd.  But since my fellow lab mates work so much, it makes me look like a very big slacker.  Granted I still go into the lab every single day (sometimes twice a day) for two to four hours.  But I still feel like a slacker.  And I don't plan on changing my lifestyle.  I enjoy having a life.  I enjoy being able to do my homework and get good grades.  And, needless to say, my husband is a lot more important to me than my shit-for-pay job.

So, we are going to a bowling tournament this weekend.  And I am very happy to say that my bowling has very much improved over the last few weeks.  We'll be in Vegas for the tournament.  Now, I am not a big fan of Vegas.  But maybe this time will be different, one- I'm over 21 and can enjoy the gambling and drinking (and yes, I do know how to stay within a budget) and two- I have Jared with me.  So, maybe it'll be a better experience than last time.  And if I can bowl well at the tournament, then it'll definitely be a good experience.

Now that school's out, I can go back to finishing my wedding scrapbook.  I finally got all of the pictures I needed.  And I came up with an awesome Christmas present for family that is both meaningful and cheap.  So, I'll end with a few more picture of my wedding.

Negative Thoughts

Is it bad that I want to quit school?  I don't want to be an engineer anymore.  I don't want to get a master's degree.  Really, going back to campus is the last thing on earth that I'd want to do.  I hate it.  I despise it.  So, why am I doing it?

Finals!

Aah...  Run away.  Far, far away...

So, I took my physical chemistry final this morning.  I'm glad that's over with.  I believe I did well.  But we'll see. Here's hoping to an A.

I take my biochemical engineering final tomorrow.  And that may very well kill me.  I am very much afraid of it.  I must go study for it now.

On the bright side, we may have found a new place to move into...  And it is nice.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

The Good: I found out I aced my test in physical chemistry. That was very exciting news. A much better score than my first test. Now all I have to do is ace the final, and I'm set for that class. And as long as I put studying before work, then I can get it done...

The Bad: I haven't been getting much sleep this week. Wednesday night (or thursday morning), I didn't go to bed until five. My homework assignment was finished, and it looked horrible. I skipped my class today to catch up on sleep. And now I'm taking a breather away from everything else in my life...

The Ugly: I have a test next tuesday. It's going to kill me. I need to write two pages for my group project tonight. And I have no idea when I'm going to have time to do that. I need to study for my test. I've been falling behind in work. That doesn't mean I'm not working. Because in fact, I've been working my hardest this last week. Only, there's just so much that needs to be done, and I'm running out of time to finish it all. Pretty soon, I'm going to get yelled at by my professor, but you know what, I'm doing the best I can and as much as I can in my hectic schedule. Oh, and did I mention I still need to bake a cake for Jared? His family's coming for cake and ice cream tonight. Which reminds me, I need to buy ice cream...

Oh so very busy. Too many things to do in so little time... I think I may die before next week comes. (And it doesn't end with my test. Thanksgiving preparations come next...)

Just Survive 'til Thursday

So, Jared's birthday is this thursday. And I have so much to do before then... I'm so busy and stressed. And as much as I hate to say it, it's mostly my fault since I'm a procrastinator. But oh well. All I need to do is survive and get things done.

I need to finish my physical chemistry homework. I believe I quit thinking about my homework and spent most of my time last week studying for the test. Good news is I answered every question with full confidence or semi-confidence (in the "Hey! I've heard of this and studied it!! I just don't remember it right now" sense). So, now I must finish what I don't have done. It's just a few problems... So, a couple of hours. And then I need to finish my biochemical engineering homework. That'll take a while. And I'm pretty sure tonight and tomorrow night are going to be all-nighter homework sessions for me.

And once that's done, I need to tidy up the place for the birthday parties. I also need to make a cake and figure out what else Jared wants me to make for his birthday. I believe this friday and saturday will be fun and stress relieving (even though I barely have time for it all).

Did I mention I still need to meet with my group to write a seven page paper for our project? Yeah, haven't quite figured out how to squeeze that in...

Oh, and in the middle of it all (it's also contributed to my procrastination)... We are looking into seeking legal action against our landlord. He overstepped his boundaries and impeded our rights as tenants. So, we're drafting a letter to send him explaining the City of Logan Tenant/Landlord Responsibilities. I'm pretty sure he's not going to be a happy camper and is going to kick us out as soon as our lease is up. But we plan on letting him know that we will inform his future tenants of their rights and let them know that what the landlord's behavior is illegal. So, in the middle of it all, we are looking for other places to live just in case it does eventually come down to this... (Oh, and we'll probably have to sue the landlord to get our deposit back.)

Yeah... Busy week. And it doesn't stop there. Test next tuesday (that may very well kill me). Paper due tuesday. Lab work to do throughout all of these things. And then comes Thanksgiving!!! Did I mention my family's coming to my house, and I'm cooking??? Yeah... No sleep for me anytime soon.

Mesh of Life

There are only two and a half weeks of school left. And I really feel like I have done very little this semester. Well, let me rephrase, I feel like I have accomplished very little. I have done a lot though. My homework for the most part has been abandoned and neglected the majority of the time. I have been working a lot in the lab. I have been doing SWE stuff (in a semi-untimely fashion). Dog training classes for Gizmo; lots of time spent on training the dog (he rolls over, haha). And I have had some we time with Jared and me time. But I still feel like this whole semester has gone by way too fast. I have too many things to do and not enough time to do them.

I know I've said this before, but I still feel very disheartened with engineering. I don't know if I'd feel different if I were graduating next semester instead of doing a Master's degree, or if I am truly sick of engineering. Maybe I'm just disheartened with school. I don't want to be in school right now. I don't want to be making crap dollars an hour (and being told by the professors that they're doing me a favor to pay me a little above minimum wage). I don't want to be in Utah anymore. Snow, bad drivers, and all around crazy people... Or maybe I just don't want to be in Logan anymore. But then again, looking for a job and transitioning to the "real" world scares the monkeys out of me. I'm afraid that companies won't like me (or maybe I'm just afraid people in general won't like me).

Anyways, getting off of my sob train now. The landlords have come to visit. I am very urked by them... First off, they are supposed to give three days notice before coming (it's in the contract); instead, they gave us three hours notice. Second, they decide to clean the general living areas. This irks me because basically they're letting me know that my cleaning sucks, is second rate, and below their standards. And third, they use our kitchen supplies. Aren't we supposed to ask before we use what's not ours? Oh and another thing... Trekking around the house at midnight thirty trying to find a door that isn't locked just makes me think someone's trying to burglarize the house. And then finally entering the house at one thirty in the morning only to be on the loud side is kind of rude. Opening all doors to different rooms of the house is very noisy and bothersome for those who are trying to sleep. This weekend, I am not a happy camper. But I know they're good people, and we're living in a pretty big place. I'm just wanting to rant right now; it keeps me from ranting in front of people.

I honestly don't know what my future has in store for me, and I'm excited to see it. I'm excited but not quite ready to to enter the work phase of life and leave the school phase. I'm just so sick of the school phase that it's causing me to lose patience and heart. One day, I will look back at this point in life and think it was awesome. But right now, I'm just so sick of the school and homework. It really stinks. And I just want to be somewhere else and not here...