Exhausted

I am exhausted.  I've been working too much.  And I refused to work today.  So after the hour of work I did today, I don't know what to do with myself.  I haven't had this much time to myself in a while.  What I've found out, I'm depressed and emotionally exhausted.  But here's to finishing that cycle and starting the next one.  With the next one, it's going to be a little easier and happier.  (No idea what I'm talking about.)  I need to go read my book; I haven't touched it in three days which should show how out of whack and busy my life has been lately.

The best moment of the week was when I came home to a package on the table.  I remember thinking, 'Oh that must be the book I ordered a while ago.'  Then Jared said, "Your surprise is on the table."  Back to my thoughts, 'The book I ordered?  Wait a second, I never ordered a book.  I got a book?  What book?!'  Lo and behold, Jared got me the new Cassandra Clare book without me ever bringing it up (with subtle and non-subtle hints like I usually do with books).  I completely spaced the release.  But I'm super excited to read it after I finish my current book (and when work doesn't keep me up at night anymore).

Oh yeah, and I'm headed to Reno again tomorrow.  It'll be fun.  (Even though I would kind of rather get reacquainted with my husband and dog and get used to my new bed than go explore and work in another city.)

Home

I am home for a couple of days...

Working 12-hour night shifts is hard.  It's also super easy to get lost in a hospital.  Trying to sleep in the day doesn't work.  I slept three hours and my mind told me the sun was up and it was time I got out of bed. I got about six hours of sleep that first morning.  Then my second night shift came.  Then I headed to the airport.  And I passed out in a very uncomfortable chair.  My phone woke me up, and I thought I had missed my flight because there were different people sitting by me.  Fortunately, it was just the flight before mine.  But needless to say, I didn't sleep well at all since I was en route to Madison.  And then I went into work for 1.5 hours and then home.  Even though my brain had shut down early on, I was surprised to see how well I was functioning yesterday.  I basically went without my bedtime, so I could readjust back to normalcy.  I went to sleep at my normal sleep schedule (I'm positive that I was out thirty seconds after putting my head on my pillow), and then my alarm woke me up for work.  It didn't feel like enough sleep though...

Overall, I very much enjoyed work in Georgia.  It was a lot of fun to work with medical professionals.  And it was informative to see how they do things.

I leave for Ohio on Friday.  Fortunately, these shifts will be during the day.  Although I'm coming to the conclusion that night shifts make it easier to check out the city and be a tourist (even though you get very little sleep).

The outside of my hotel.  It's a fountain.  And yes, it's outside even though there's a roof (hotel's above you).

An old, awesome looking Catholic church.  The front above and the side below. 

This was a either a Methodist or Lutheran church right across the street from the Catholic one.  I love old buildings.

I stink at taking pictures.  So, that's all I got.  But I'll end with one of my moments on the plane...

Having nightmares stinks.  But what's worse than that is realizing the nightmare you're having isn't a nightmare but actual reality.  Dreaming about the plane crashing only to awake to really rough turbulence scared the crap out of me (so the nightmare wasn't reality because the plane didn't actually crash)...

Ups & Downs

Ugh. My day has kind of crashed to a close... One of the good parts of the day is when I was requested to write a letter of recommendation for my old boss. I was happy to do it. And the secretary I had read over it said my letter was very good. All I really wrote about was how my professor was my boss and teacher as well as my friend. And how we learn the most from our friends, not necessarily teachers who are only there to teach.

And then I came to the realization that I don't like my new boss. He's not a friend at all. He's a boss. He's not someone who's going to encourage you. He just wants results. And I can't stand it. And I don't think he can stand me either. I believe he's trying to sabotage my extracurricular activities. I don't think he believes in having time outside of the lab. And top that all off with being sexist. Since I have two x chromosomes, I get to clean up after everyone else. I'm sorry, but I fully believe in the unwritten rule of clean up after yourself.

It's a love/hate relationship. I love who I work with. I enjoy what I'm doing for the most part. I just don't enjoy my boss. Maybe we just have different values and can't see eye to eye with each other. I know I'm the type of person who needs gratification every once in a while. A simple "good job" would do (instead of the "you messed this up" that I get every once in a while). And he seems to be the kind of person who is a professor/boss and nothing more.

Ugh... I'm frustrated. And it's days like these that make me want to shoot the school down.

Back from Vegas

So, we survived the bowling tournaments in Las Vegas.  Truly, we went there to bowl for fun.  And in the end, I am glad I am not on one of those extreme teams that get yelled at by their coach for not striking.  The way they acted (with the stretching and the whole game deal), you'd think they were running a marathon or something and this was a matter of life and death.  Needless to say, Utah State placed last, and I'm pretty sure I was the worst bowler there.  But hey, considering we're the underdogs that don't get tons of money and sponsorships like other schools do (did you know Weber State gets $10,000 for tournaments?), we did great!  And considering I have only truly been bowling for the last half of the year, I did fantastic.  I kept my ball out of the gutter the majority of the time and that is something for me.  I would have to say that I did bowl a little above my average at the tournaments, but it just kind of stinks knowing that my average is very low in comparison to everyone else's.  But oh well.  It was fun.

Here's a picture of a few of us from the team.  We were on Freemont street walking the Old Strip.  There was a street spray painter that made the most awesome paintings ever (with spray paint!!!!!).  He made one of planets and stars that I bought for Jared.  There was one that had a background of mountains, waterfalls, trees, and the moon; I wanted it so bad (but it was already sold).  Tons of fun.

Jared likes how I smiled in this picture.  I don't think I was see what captures his eyes in my smile/face, but hey, whatever works....

So, I've been having a rough couple of weeks.  I've just been dealing with a lot of stress.  I feel like work is treating me like crap.  I feel like someone is being biased against me because I'm white.  And not just white: a white American; of course that means I'm going to be a lazy ass like all the other lazy ass white Americans in the world, right?  Well, I'm sorry I cannot be one dimensional.  I enjoy being involved in more than just one thing, and I don't want to change that.  And when I'm being told that I have done basically nothing the whole semester, it makes me not want to go back to work.  Being called a lazy researcher who hasn't done a single thing is not the best motivation to make me do better.  One - I have done stuff, maybe not enough according to someone else's standards, but I'm doing it the best of my abilities.  Two - how dare he call me lazy, he has no idea what else I am involved in and I refuse to give up on things that bring joy to my life just because he expects me to devote every waking breath to his lab (and some days I do need a day off - I'm not a mindless robot).

I think all of it is getting to me.  And I don't know how to speak up without repercussions.  I don't know who to talk to.  But all I can say is if this continues, I believe I will be quitting my master's degree pursuit or be seeking other schools to finish my master's.  I'm not someone who has to have positive affirmation every day, but it would be nice to see it every once in a while instead of the negative comments.

School's Out!

So, the semester has ended..  ..FINALLY!  I don't know how well I did in my biochemical engineering class.  At this point, I just hope I passed.  My physical chemistry grade was a very pleasant surprise.  I was happy after seeing that grade.  Now, the other two (modeling and senior design) should be A's or else...  At least I hope so. I'm just happy to be done with school this year.

Now all I need is for work to end.  Unfortunately, research never ends.  And I think I just happened to be stuck with the professor who doesn't believe in students having a life outside of the lab.  His phd students are required to work every single day from nine in the morning to ten at night.  However, they do get half a day off on saturdays.  I can't even imagine working every single day of my life for five years straight.  Hence, I'll never be getting my phd.  But since my fellow lab mates work so much, it makes me look like a very big slacker.  Granted I still go into the lab every single day (sometimes twice a day) for two to four hours.  But I still feel like a slacker.  And I don't plan on changing my lifestyle.  I enjoy having a life.  I enjoy being able to do my homework and get good grades.  And, needless to say, my husband is a lot more important to me than my shit-for-pay job.

So, we are going to a bowling tournament this weekend.  And I am very happy to say that my bowling has very much improved over the last few weeks.  We'll be in Vegas for the tournament.  Now, I am not a big fan of Vegas.  But maybe this time will be different, one- I'm over 21 and can enjoy the gambling and drinking (and yes, I do know how to stay within a budget) and two- I have Jared with me.  So, maybe it'll be a better experience than last time.  And if I can bowl well at the tournament, then it'll definitely be a good experience.

Now that school's out, I can go back to finishing my wedding scrapbook.  I finally got all of the pictures I needed.  And I came up with an awesome Christmas present for family that is both meaningful and cheap.  So, I'll end with a few more picture of my wedding.