Accent

It's more than official.  I have a Wisconsin accent.  Want to hear it?  Give me a call, and you can laugh at my dialect.  I can't help it.  I assimilate to the people around me.  And even though I'm laughing very hard when I hear those thick Wisconsin accents, I can't stop my own from starting...

How is my brother doing now?  His ACL is torn.  And he has a hairline fracture.  He needs surgery done on his knee.  But that can't be done until after the fracture heals.  So, a few extra weeks of not moving.  But at least he's okay and doing better...

A lot of traveling is coming up for me.  I'm getting nervous and oh so excited....  When I go on-site, I'll be doing 12 hour shifts in the hospitals.  So, that leaves very little time to check out the sites.  I probably won't sleep a whole lot either.  Oh well.  I'll be in Atlanta Halloween weekend.  I'm planning on going out a day early, so I can spend Saturday with my family.  Then I'll be working Halloween night and Monday night.  The night shift; we'll see how that goes (think Wisconsin accent on all of the "o" sounds - kind of nasally sounding).  And the weekend after that, I'll be in Zanesville, Ohio.  A new city.  I don't think I've ever been outside of an airport in Ohio.  So, this'll be fun.

I need a good camera to take lots of pictures.  I might actually be able to justify that if I used the camera a lot and enjoyed taking lots of random pictures.  But no, taking pictures is more extra random work for me when all I want to do is take in the sites...

Prayer

Prayers for my brother please...

Oh Brother

My brother was arrested on friday.  He decided he wanted to drink thursday night which is against his probation agreement.  He's an alcoholic; he can't drink just one drink.  Anyways, he got caught and was ticketed for underage drinking.  The next day, his parole officer revoked his parole.  And then he was arrested.  He's now in Decker Lake, and he's not coming out anytime soon.

And somehow, I feel like blaming myself.  Because I saw him on wednesday night and asked him about it all.  I can conclude that he was still hanging with the wrong friends.  It doesn't make sense to hang out with people who are going to drink when you yourself cannot.  Because you're going to end up drinking.  Anyways, I asked him if he'd ever be able to drink again, and he told me no.  And of course, I blurt out well that sucks.  But I did tell him I was proud of him for trying to stay on the straight and narrow path.  He was going to graduate high school and was looking to enroll at SLCC.

He called me at 3:30 am when he got caught.  I guess my mom told me he was thinking of running again.  I feel so bad that I didn't answer my phone.  I was in a hotel though and half asleep when my phone rang.

I feel bad.  But then I get that small voice that asks, "How do I know he wasn't just telling me what I wanted to hear" like a good manipulator does.  I want to believe my brother is trying.  But I just don't know.

How can you be that stupid and drink?  Why are you still hanging out with people who do drink?  Get your head on straight!!! Quit hurting those who love you.  We're not going to be there for you that much longer if you keep this up.  And it hurts to just give up on you.

On another note, my other brother broke his wrist over the weekend.  I feel bad for him and my parents in Georgia.  It must be hard not being able to fix your kid's pain.  But his arm was put in a cast today. It seems everything's going well considering the situation.

Prayers are appreciated.  I just wish I knew whether my hope for my brother is worth it and not a dying hope.

Genetic Predispositions

So, my brother has been diagnosed with a bipolar disorder. I guess it kind of makes sense what with depression running in our family. But it's just kind of freaky knowing depression runs in my family. When is the line ever drawn when we ask who's to blame: genetics or environment?

Just because you're predisposed doesn't mean you have it or are going to get it. And it doesn't give you something to blame your actions upon. And you can go the other way too. An environment full of sex, drugs, and alcohol. You're predisposed to it. But you still can't blame your actions on your parents. It gives a lot of insight as to how you think, but you still made a choice.

I guess I'm getting at the fact that we really can't blame our actions on our genetics or our upbringing. We still have a choice. And being genetically predisposed to a disease does not mean you're going to be put on medication to treat it right from the get-go. You should recognize the predisposition and be wary of the signs. And know when you need to get help.

I was depressed as a teenager. And I got help. And I know there are many people out there who believe mental diseases are a crock, but they're full of crap. Understanding that being sad is a normal part of life is a good thing. But when you are sad, abusing yourself mentally, and considering suicide; that's a lot more than the routine sad. Sad is not bad when you have the happy emotions coming afterwards. But sad 24/7, you need help.

I guess I'm angry with some people. And instead of defending myself, I'm ranting on here. Don't tell me depression doesn't exist. Don't tell me people who need help don't need help from doctors or drugs. Don't tell me you can solve all of my problems just by telling me depression doesn't exist and I don't have it. Being sad all of the time and hating yourself to the point of destroying yourself is definitely not normal.

Maybe my rant's done now. I just wish the people who should see and know this would see and maybe understand a little...

Deep in Thought

I know, second post of the night.  Maye it'll make up for all of the days I don't post.

I've just been deep in thought.  I've visited my teenage life twice in one day.  It's a difficult feat.

Anyways, my brother tried to commit suicide the other day.  He took 90 pills of neurontin.  Long story short, my mom was in the ER over night with my brother.  And the social worker said that this probably wasn't going to be the last attempt.  And my mom asked me what made me stop cutting.  It was hard to talk about it.  It was hard to think about.  That's a part of my life I don't care to see again.

It was love that stopped me.  My love for Jared.  His love for me.  The love from my family.  The belief that there was more love in this world than hate.

And really, I don't know how to help my brother.  There's really nothing anyone can do.  It's his decision on whether or not love exists and that there are people worth living for.

I try to act like it doesn't affect me.  Jared's pretty much only known my brother as a screw up since he never knew him before he got into drugs.  But I'm affected.  I'm worried about my brother.

I love him.  And as much as I think that with the way he's going in life, he's better off in prison or dead, I regret it. That kind of thinking would require giving up hope.  Hope that I still hang on to.

I want my brother to survive.  To overcome his struggles.  To realize he can be successful.  Most of all, I want my brother to see and feel love.

It's hard to describe something that isn't ever seen but is rather felt.  Who knows, people could be feeling something different than what I feel is love.  I just want my brother to see it.

I can't lose hope.  My brother.  Matthew.  I'm praying and constantly thinking about you.  I love you.

My Brother

So, they found my brother last week. And, the very-much-expected-but-you-still-hope-to-not-hear-it news is he failed his drug test. So, I don't know what's going to happen to him. I was really hoping he would choose to stay sober and drug-free this time around. But, that's my wish for him, and all that really matters is what he wants to do... He'll be eighteen in three and a half months. I hope he finds his way before then. I don't want to have a brother in and out of prison. But as people say: once an addict, always an addict. The most difficult path is the sober one.

I miss you Matthew.