Cute vs. Care

So, my family told me that they're going to steal Gizmo from me because he's so cute.  I just laugh because I know they think he's cute, but they don't have the time and patience to take care of him.

My dog is super-high maintenance.  And it's not really that he's spoiled; it's more that there's a disconnect in communication between me and him.  He suffers from major anxiety when left at home by himself.  And I believe a lot of this stems from his upbringing.  When, he gets anxious, he pees in his kennel (and will sometimes poo).  This behavior stems from the fact that as a puppy, he lived in a box with the other pups and momma.  This box was their bed and toilet.  So, while normal dogs do not associate their toilet with their bed, my dog kind of learned that they're one and the same.  And let me tell you, it took a lot of untraining and retraining to teach Gizmo that the potty is outside and not inside.

So, when I am home, Gizmo is the perfect dog.  But when I leave, he's left in the kennel and falls back on his first instincts he learned as a puppy.  He deals with his loneliness by peeing.  And since I'm still trying to work on fixing this behavior of his, I still have to deal with the mess he leaves.  The mess I come home to probably once a week (it used to be everyday, sometimes twice a day).

So, when people tell me they want my dog, I just laugh.  Sure, he's super cute, but he requires a lot of responsibility.  And if you're not willing to take care of him, then you're not ready to have a dog.

And in my case, I don't think I'm ready to have a kid.  Sure, they're super cute, and I want one.  But I'm not ready to devote my life to someone else who has a million needs that must be met.

And so I will settle for my dog.  Sure, he's a crapster sometimes, but I'm willing to give the time to take care of him.  And most of the time, the rewards are far greater than the time I put into taking care of my dog.

I guess what I'm getting at is I'm not ready for kids.  Gizmo is my kid.  He's my high-maintenance kid.  And as crazy as people may think I am for saying that, I really don't care.  I'm happy calling my dog my kid; the kid I can put in a kennel and leave alone for a few hours, haha.

Failure

I think I am coming to the conclusion that I have just been too busy this year.  And there are quite a few things I forget about or toss aside in order to keep my mental health in order.  And I think it's getting to me, and I'm to the point of admitting it.  I can't lead it all anymore.  I don't even know if I can be a leader in most of the things I'm involved in anyways.

Even though I don't want to admit it and I know my group members contribute different strengths, I have come to the conclusion that I am leading my senior project along.  And if it's not the whole project, then I'm at least leading the lab portion of it.  And it is stressful.  I wish I could just sit back and let some one else take charge.  If only I could just contribute when absolutely necessary instead of being there 24/7 to pick up the slack when no else cannot or will not.  I think I'm just sick of it all.  It's all too stressful.

Dreams are supposed to be my gateway out of my miserable, busy school/work life.  But instead, I'm dreaming about work and the project.  How are we going to take the reactor down?  Will we ever not get contamination in one of our runs?  Is it going to explode anytime soon?  Are we even going to get good results with all of this?  Am I going to look like a fool at the final presentation?

And the fact that I can't go on vacation without freaking out and getting stressed over it all.  It's spring break, and I still have to work.  Work does not believe in days off.  And since my senior project has been on the waiting list, it is being worked on over spring break.  And Jared has told me I am going to Salt Lake with him at the end of the week to get away from it all.  So, I have to push it all to the beginning of the week.

I just want to sit on the sidelines from now on.  I don't want anymore of my responsibilities.  I don't want to be willing to be there to do all of it when others won't.  Just stop.  I can't do it all.  And that's my conclusion.  I really want to throw out some major things in my life out of my life.  I'm done.  White flag.

I hate research.