Failure

I think I am coming to the conclusion that I have just been too busy this year.  And there are quite a few things I forget about or toss aside in order to keep my mental health in order.  And I think it's getting to me, and I'm to the point of admitting it.  I can't lead it all anymore.  I don't even know if I can be a leader in most of the things I'm involved in anyways.

Even though I don't want to admit it and I know my group members contribute different strengths, I have come to the conclusion that I am leading my senior project along.  And if it's not the whole project, then I'm at least leading the lab portion of it.  And it is stressful.  I wish I could just sit back and let some one else take charge.  If only I could just contribute when absolutely necessary instead of being there 24/7 to pick up the slack when no else cannot or will not.  I think I'm just sick of it all.  It's all too stressful.

Dreams are supposed to be my gateway out of my miserable, busy school/work life.  But instead, I'm dreaming about work and the project.  How are we going to take the reactor down?  Will we ever not get contamination in one of our runs?  Is it going to explode anytime soon?  Are we even going to get good results with all of this?  Am I going to look like a fool at the final presentation?

And the fact that I can't go on vacation without freaking out and getting stressed over it all.  It's spring break, and I still have to work.  Work does not believe in days off.  And since my senior project has been on the waiting list, it is being worked on over spring break.  And Jared has told me I am going to Salt Lake with him at the end of the week to get away from it all.  So, I have to push it all to the beginning of the week.

I just want to sit on the sidelines from now on.  I don't want anymore of my responsibilities.  I don't want to be willing to be there to do all of it when others won't.  Just stop.  I can't do it all.  And that's my conclusion.  I really want to throw out some major things in my life out of my life.  I'm done.  White flag.

I hate research.